Gooood afternoon aspiring Hollywoodites! It’s Monday, people, and I can not wait to get the work week started! Yes, I’m lying. It’s kind of a Hollywood thing.

Anyway, let’s get right to it… I got a cute letter from a Kelly B. in Colombus, Ohio so I thought I’d share it with you….

Kelly writes;
Dear Lord of The Dark Rooms,
Hollywood entertainerMy 18 year old daughter recently informed my husband and I that the boy she likes is an “entertainer” and wants to move to Hollywood to be in the business and that she thinks she might want to go too and be a digital artist. I love her dearly but she can barely drag a jpeg into a Word document so I won’t hold my breath for her there. I digress though; back to the entertainer… My husband has never really liked Noah so this sent him over the top. Our first question was ‘what the hell does entertainer mean?’. Well, it turns out that not only is Noah an actor and musician… he’s also a juggler! Wow, a triple threat. Juggler???!! Really? Who does that, and how can my beautiful daughter be attracted to it?  Anyway, needless to say, my husband has been making slurs and has been noticeably upset ever since she told us this and I think it’s only a matter of time before he says something to crush my poor baby’s Hollywood dreams. I like to think of myself as open minded and liberal but I have to say that the idea of her in Hollywood (or them together at all) makes me uncomfortable too. Does that make me a bad person? I need your advice on this one, dark lord.

First off, a big hello to Kelly and all the people that reach out to me for guidance. Without you, and my executive in charge, I wouldn’t be here today fulfilling my destiny… now, as far as the situation with the daughter goes… the quick answer is NO, having those feelings about your girl in Hollywood (or with the juggler) does not make you a bad person. As a matter of fact, having those feelings is what makes you human. A beaten, American Dream-less, stagnant human. I get it. Moooo. It’s safer in the herd and the idea of your baby trying to manifest her destiny, exposed in the evil badlands of Hollywood is daunting. It’s totally natural to feel that way, so don’t beat yourself up about it.

My advice is to give it a little time to pan out… Your daughter may surprise you and focus and really hone a skill. Or she’ll move on to another boy. Maybe one who has a short film already at Sundance and a full ride on Daddy’s wallet to USC film school. I’m sure she’ll come around to a place of your liking and even if she doesn’t you should choke down your efforts to stifle her dreams. At least she didn’t say she wanted to come out here to be ‘a dancer’! So, try to brush off your husband’s comments about the poor circus kid because it sounds like he’s made up his mind about him. Look, I hear those kinds of remarks about kids dating sons and daughters of friends of mine all the time. The dark windowless rooms of post are often good confessionals to vent in. It’s usually just a mouthy micromanaging personality like myself blowing off steam. I think the main thing to remember is that teenagers like to experiment, so your daughter’s probably just ‘acting’ out or going through a phase. And hey, it could be worse. You said his name is Noah so clearly he’s not a thug… and at least there’s that.

When my cousin’s daughter was a teenager, she too was totally into a “J-ish” guy.. he was half, actually, since only one of his parents was into juggling. But my cousin still had the same feelings and concerns about her moving to LA that you do. My cousin just gave his daughter some time and space, threatened the boyfriend repeatedly, and it all worked out fine. However, I don’t condone that type of behavior.. or do I? I guess you’ll never know. Anyway my point is that if your daughter’s relationship continues to grow then you should simply have a talk with her to talk about your concerns as a loving parent. For me personally, it would mostly be because I think jugglers have bathing issues or something. Perhaps it’s all the costumes, but damn, they can be ripe… and who wants that sitting around a conference room in meetings or at the fireplace with the family at get togethers. Also, those guys are handsy, so if he gets out of line she should know some defensive moves in case she needs to, you know, drop one of his balls. See, because he’s a juggler… and that would upset him. So Kelly, in short, I say support her dreams but also maybe mention that you saw a juggling mime outside the supermarket today and you felt sorry for him because people were pointing and laughing. I hope that helps and thanks again for writing in, trusting in me and putting your family’s well being in my jaded, carpal tunneled hands. Make sure you tell her about the ‘Hollywood Survival Guide‘ if she decides to do it.

Well, we’re out of time for today, but per usual, keep sending in your questions… or lose your sons and daughters to the evils of Hollywood!!!!!
Kidding. Or am I?… :)

B Grass –

Leave a Reply